On Again - Off Again!

“So how long have you two been dating?”

“Three years... if you don’t count the two month break last winter, or the five weeks we spent apart after a squabble... or the 1 month we broke up after...”

Sounds familiar? That’s because the on-again-off-again relationship is a tale as old as time itself. Boy meets girl – they date – they can’t seem to make it work – they also can’t seem to completely walk away from each other – so they make up, break up and so on for eternity. 

Ok, maybe not eternity. 

But it’s a path that some of us know all too well. We’ve been through it, we’ve seen our friends go through it, and we’ve even seen Ross/Rachel, Justin/Selena and Katy Perry/John Mayor go through it! None of them last as long as the weekly tabloid stories. The distinct push and pull is exhausting. It feels like a roller coaster more than a relationship. Not to mention, it’s an epic waste of time. *cue Taylor Swift*

Here in India, relationships are unnecessarily complex to the point that it’s actually funny. Throw in castes and religions, marriageable ages, horoscopes, parents-neighbours-building security guard’s opinions, and what-have-you into the mix and it provides so many more reasons to go on-again-off-again in the hopes that love will triumph. Compatibility, love and opinions of the two in the relationship? Well, those go out the window. 

If you’ve ever been in one, I’m sure you’ll relate as well as I do. From my own experiences and those of many, many friends, here's what I gather:

ONCE IS ENOUGH – Everyone needs a breather once in a while – to reflect, change and get some clarity. Breaks are good, but no matter what anyone says, negative behaviour that caused a break won’t go away after it’s over. Plus, if you need more than one of them, it’s time to re-evaluate and move on. 

GET CLARITY ON THE PROBLEM – Most people just weigh the pros and cons of staying v/s leaving. If you really want to stay, you’ll find reasons to stay... and if you really want to leave, you’ll leave. You aren’t really weighing anything. Getting some clarity on the problem is beneficial if you decide to stay in the current relationship, and if you decide to move on, get clarity anyway, so you don’t perpetuate the problem in your next one. 

PROBLEMS DON'T JUST GO AWAY – Yes, the movie-magic of a reunion is nice and everything, so nice, it often makes you forget why you broke up in the first place. Once the fairy dust settles, you’ll still be stuck with the same problems, same relationship and same ending. 

QUIT THE "IF ONLY'S" – A huge factor why people continue make up/break up relationships is the grand idea of what’s possible or what could be. This hinders your vision of “what is.” Don’t get me wrong... it’s great to be optimistic and see potential in people, but a realistic thing to do is to see someone for who they are right now, not the “someday” version of them. Someday is never just around the corner. 

LOVE IS A TINY PIECE OF THE PUZZLE – An important piece, no doubt – but it doesn’t complete the picture. Other important elements you need are trust, security, priorities, communication and a whole bunch more. It’s hard to let go of someone you love, but love alone isn’t strong enough to make a relationship work. 

*SIGH* INSECURITIES – “Is he going to end it again?” “Is she going to change her mind again?” “Are we going to fight about the same thing again?” – These tumultuous thoughts make you to lose yourself while trying to make it work. Living with a sword dangling above your head is not worth your piece of mind.

ASSUME AN OUTSIDER'S PERSPECTIVE – Don’t tune out loved ones who voice concerns over returning to an old relationship. They’re rooting for your wellbeing and aren’t wearing the same rose tinted glasses you have on. If you don’t value their opinions, sit down and examine the cold hard truth from a neutral perspective Also, get some new friends. 

THE COSY COMFORT FACTOR– Ah, the comfort zone is so much comfier in an old relationship. We all prefer something familiar rather than being alone so it's easy to get stuck in the rut. Any tips for to get out of this tricky situation?

EVALUATE CHANGE – It’s important to figure out why the relationship has ended in the first place, rather than focusing on the warm, fuzzy bits. If it was situational – has the situation changed? If there were commitment issues – has that been sorted? It’s brutal, but rip the bandage off and get some answers. 

ACTION V/S WORDS – Take it from a blogger – words are easy. Action takes a whole lot more work. Make sure your partner is actually doing what he/she promised. With all the flowery promises and apologies, it’s easy to assume that they will do what they say. News Flash: If they haven’t before, they won’t now. 

MAKE A DECISION, DAMMIT -  Don’t go in or out of a break with a “We’ll see how things go” attitude. It leaves one or both individuals without closure, which is troubling to say the least. There has to be some re-evaluation before deciding to make up or break up once and for all. 

Everything being said and done, remember one thing. The issue that was big enough to end your relationship once will probably be enough to end it again...and again. The lack of communication or commitment, ego or trust issues, failure to compromise, “marriageable ages” and other Indian-specific problems... whatever! 

So.. this was fun. Do you think I should start my own advice column? Lol!

What do you think of the on-off relationship? Let's talk! Have you been in one or learnt anything from it? Hit me with your wisdom.

xoxo